she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
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Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
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Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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