you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
