I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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