Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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