My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
