just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
