my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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