Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
