don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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