I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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