WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
