Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
