if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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