I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
