Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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