This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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