God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
