I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
