I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
