A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
