i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
