my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
