tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
When did angry sex become our thing?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The ass gains better be worth it
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