so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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