dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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