OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
