dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
