woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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