I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
