Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
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you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
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i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence