I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
