Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
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