Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
