mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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