Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
