This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
