Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
