my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i've created a new STD.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
