I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
