Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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