WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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