Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
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I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
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And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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