I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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