May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
