I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
