my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
