Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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