Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
