i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
