I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
