I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
