I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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