i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
