I wanna bring you to show and tell
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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