Princesses don't give blow jobs
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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